there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
