hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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