I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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