everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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