Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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