Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
