Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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