do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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