I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
