She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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