he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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