Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
