Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
