using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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