he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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