I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
