I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
