This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
