Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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