Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
