I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
