i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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