I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You made out with two different species that night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize