wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
