I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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