May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
