Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is the high leading the old right now
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
