1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
