I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
