What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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