I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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