Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
