The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
