The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
