So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
