I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
