New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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