I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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