So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
