his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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