I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
