We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
