don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
