I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
