So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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