he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
