this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So many bounce houses so little time
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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