Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
