Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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