I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
