Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
