God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
