Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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