I faked an abortion last night.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
