Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
