mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
