I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
