He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
