i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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